Sat 9 Dec 2006
Is Divorce sinful?
Posted by
Is it sinful to divorce an adulterous spouse? Or a dangerously violent one?
How can we know? Do we know based on what feels right? If we tie our decision to what is in the Bible, are we being overly legalistic, judgmental, and unloving, or wise? What are our choices and what do we base our decisions on?
The love of God comes through scripture when we understand what God is saying to us through it, and God loves marriages and people.
When Jesus was approached by the Pharisees and asked about what Moses said regarding divorce and men writing a letter of divorce to their wives and whether it was OK to divorce, Jesus said except for reason of sexual sin, to divorce one’s spouse and marry another is adultery.
Even so, the scripture doesn’t say a person must divorce. I believe the wisest and best thing that God would ask us all to do if possible would be to pray for wisdom, grace, and strength to forgive and help bring the fallen spouse into full repentance and forgiveness and not divorce. But, if the unfaithful spouse will not give up his or her adultery or wishes to leave, it may be necessary to let the unfaithful spouse go.
But, divorce would not be possible without grave sin. Divorce would not be possible between two sincere Christians. We may try to make exceptions and appeal to kindness, love, and non-judgmentalism and such, but in the end it all amounts to nothing but rationalization for sin. When Jesus is Lord of a person’s life, they will not do things that break down and destroy marriage. No person can be unfaithful to his or her spouse without first being unfaithful to God at heart. To deny love to one’s spouse is to refuse to love someone Jesus loves, and to deny love to one’s spouse is to deny love to Jesus Christ Himself.
People who sincerely love Jesus Christ also love their families and their children far too much to do anything that would harm or destroy the family. Also, when people go into an affair, they don’t love the person they’re having an affair with. They almost always have intense feelings of one kind or another which is mistaken for love. But the selfishness and self indulgence and cowardice and dishonesty involved in every affair are evidence of a total lack of integrity, sincerity, love, and faithfulness toward God and family and every principle of God. Furthermore, one must be willing to sell one’s soul and encourage another person to do likewise to go into an affair because going into an affair is submitting to a spirit of adultery and accepting the lordship of adultery over Jesus Christ. It is a very serious matter.
When we have a spouse who is unfaithful, it is easy to become very angry, and it’s actually appropriate for us to feel and express anger over this. But, that is not the time to make a decision over whether to divorce or not. But, it’s also not time to put up with the unfaithfulness. Many people recommend coming down really hard and telling the fallen spouse that if there is another occurrance of unfaithfulness, it will be the end of the marriage and then standing firm by that ultimatum. Most agree that grovelling is almost a sure path to divorce or an unhappy and undignified life subservient to an unfaithful spouse. Yet some give an ultimatum only to find themselves too weak to enforce it and they end up in misery until the marriage finally breaks up.
Some feel it is honorable to stand in prayer waiting for an unfaithful spouse to repent. Some feel they are one of those called to do so. Others feel this is the only path the Christian can take in life to remain faithful to the unfaithful spouse until death, and even after their unfaithful spouse forces them through a divorce and remarries the affair partner, they consider this divorce and remarriage invalid and continue to pray for that subsequent marriage to end and the unfaithful spouse to return to his or her first marriage.
Some feel this is sinful and that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 prohibits remarrying the original spouse after divorce. Others say this is only true when the faithful but rejected spouse remarries.
My belief is that a person should not go into either marriage or divorce lightly and that it is extremely abusive and unwise to threaten divorce to get something desired. Marriage and divorce are decisions that change the course of multiple people’s lives and divorce can lead to a life of regret wondering if the marriage could have and should have been saved. Divorce should be a last resort and a decision made with peace of mind and a clear conscience to bring about a greater good.
So many try to pretend to have a clear conscience but don’t have one at all. Dishonesty never brings peace because in the back of our mind we will always know that God and all of heaven knows our hearts, and though we can fool people, we cannot fool God. Whether we stay or divorce, God wants us to live faithful and true with the freedom and happiness of a truely clear conscience.
Some people mistake bitterness for a clear conscience, but that also doesn’t work. They feel justified in seeking revenge or hating and may do so while covering it up and pretending all is forgiven when in truth nothing has been faced or forgiven at all. It is only when the sin, abuse, adultery is faced straight on, when all excuses and rationalizes for it have been stripped away and when the unfaithful spouse is held accountable and responsible for the sin that forgiveness can be applied to that sin.
As for “forgiving” adultery, the very best we can ever hope to do is what God does, and that is to forgive sins of the past. Some try to forgive ongoing sins or future sins, but that is nothing but licensing sin or condoning it or justifying it or defending it, and we have no right or authority to do that. If the sin is excused, it cannot be forgiven. If it is justified, it cannot be forgiven. If it is supported, defended, or condoned, it cannot also be forgiven. Only sins can be forgiven. If someone does something heroic or wonderful, can that be forgiven? No. There is nothing to forgive.
What I think people really intend when they suggest forgiving the future or current sins is setting aside hatred and ill-will toward others — setting aside plans or intentions for vengeance, and the Bible does tell us that vengeance belongs to the Lord. Why? Is God the only one who has the right to be mean and nasty? No. Rather, God’s vengeance is rooted in God’s infinite wisdom and love and knowledge about what is really best for the greater good all around.
So, divorce is not something that should be done in bitterness or hate or for revenge, nor should it be done without the willingness to forgive. A divorce can never make the wedding vows unsaid. So, it is important when divorce is considered that the one filing for divorce take care to be true to the vows, and this is not something that is usually done when people divorce unfortunately. A Christian should not take his or her Christian spouse to court. If there is a wrong such as adultery, there should be a following of the scriptural plan for dealing with sin. Bring it to them and seek repentance from them. If they do not repent, bring another person or two from the church. Then bring them before the elders if they still don’t repent and if they still don’t repent, then they can be regarded unbelievers, and at that point it may be possible for a Christian to divorce his or her spouse legitimately with a clear conscience. But, the whole point of this is to bring the unfaithful spouse to repentance and save the marriage if possible.
2 Responses to “ Is Divorce sinful? ”
Comments:
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
April 27th, 2008 at 3:52 am
The knee jerk reaction to “unfaithful” is, OMG, they must get a divorce now or it will tear a hole in the universe. More and more couples who’s marriages have deteriorated have come to the realization that divorcing right away is the worst action they can take if they want to minimize damage to themselves, their childeren,etc. Thus more and more legally married people are entering the dating arena to fulfil their natural needs.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:17 am
When my first wife had her first affair, I forgave it, and as long as she was truly repentant, I really felt that was the best and right thing to do. But, adultery is a serious matter, and it’s not just a mistake or an accident, but in part there really has to be a choice to take another look, to think about the possibililty of an affair one more time, and then make a choice to go for the affair. I don’t mean to imply that the temptation isn’t there or that it isn’t strong. But, the longer and further you entertain a temptation the harder it becomes to resist it.
When a person enters into an affair, several things happen. First, intimacy is lost because the married couple can no longer be open with each other. For an affair intimacy is lost. Second, whether they confess or hide it, the foundation of trust is broken. That does not mean it can never be regained, but it would take a major change and no amount of promising or swearing on a thousand Bibles on pain of death can convince a wronged spouse of anything other than that they want to play a confidence game and get trust not by being honest, but by trying to wrestle it out with words.
Third, affairs obviously risk venereal disease not only for oneself but violates ones own spouse with that risk and threatens to orphan the children as well. Fourth, it devalues the marriage and puts the children at risk of losing their one chance to grow up in an unbroken loving family.
Contrary to the claims of the unfaithful and dishonest, affairs are not things in the wind or in the cards. Marriages don’t fail because “things happen” or “it wasn’t meant to be”. Marriages fail because people lie, because people make bad, selfish, dishonest choices. Affairs are full of the evidence of a very selfish, narcissistic, infantile, cowardly, dishonest, irresponsible, inept character.
People in affairs blame everything and everyone else for their wrongs because they lack the courage and honesty to admit to their own sin or take responsibility for it.
Affairs are for hypocrites. They pretend to value their word and honesty and they make excuses that tell the world that they know what they’re doing is wrong or else they would not feel compelled to make excuses.
The problem with society today is that there are too many people who live vicariously as whores, liars, hypocrites, swindlers, and adulterers through the movies and TV programs they watch, and perhaps they are reluctant to stand against such sins because they may want to reserve the opportunity to justify themselves should they ever enter into the same sin.
Marriage is a promise to God and to one another and to society, and it is a promise to the honor of the insitution of marriage. For a person to violate that promise would make it impossible for him to enter into a sincere marriage thereafter if he is able to honor the first marriage but unwilling to do so. In other words, if you can get out of one promise by promising to do the opposite, then your promises have no value at all, and so your future wedding vows could not be anything other than another lie and swindle.
When a spouse is unfaithful, I think it is best to confront it, but to be strong first and pray. When I read Jesus exception clause for divorce in the Bible, I don’t believe it is there for nothing and I don’t believe all the tales about Erasmus writing it in or the betrothal theory about things. I believe Jesus’ exception clause for adultery is real, and yet to me I tend to think that it would be intended not so much as a way to give the sleazy adulterer the boot, but rather to take care of those faithful spouses who had been abandoned by an adulterous spouse to let them know they are not under any obligation to wait forever while the unfaithful spouse plays around or marries other people. I also think it helps protect the faithful spouses from being infected with venereal diseases and to protect the children from being orphaned.
But, as for love and forgiveness, it is a choice and not just a feeling. The loss of feeling is not an excuse to become a cheap lying whore in regard to the wedding vows already given. Marriage is about keeping a most sacred promise — it is not about being a feelings epicurean savoring one feeling and detesting another and basing all choices on feelings alone. If that is the case, then why should you be trusted to keep your word ever?
But, with the laws what they are in the US, it seems American Family Courts pimp for the unfaithful seeking to destroy their families through divorce. So, divorce does not seem to work in the favor of the faithful in America. But, once the unfaithful drop into hell and are boiling and popping and sizzling like bacon in hell, there will be vindication for sure. Even the children of the family court lawyers and judges will boil in hell if they do not oppose their parents’ actions here on earth.
Adultery is not something that just happens. It is a willfully evil choice that is made by a person.